Shammy's!!

The Day... The Music.... DIED
Editor's Note--> I Know It's Long But I Swear It's Worth It.
My stomach burns this morning after observing the performances, acceptances and appearances last night at the 51st Annual Grammy Awards. This post is going to be disparate from my priors because today, I will not be sugar coating my opinions with satire and humor but rather laying them out directly to inform everyone how last night at the Grammy Awards, “Rock & Roll and everything that comes with it…. DIED. This is no new-fangled news to me, as I have assumed music to have ended a long time ago, however this program reaffirmed my notion and piled a little more repugnance on top. Here, presented to you, is my top ten list of how devastating the Grammy award ceremony was (in order) and how it bled the heart of music forever.

10) Bono humping the stage, again.

I know everyone tears up when they think of Bono’s charity towards saving the world, however I don’t feel that gives him the authority to exhibit the most provocative and inappropriate hip/body swivels while performing on stage. We all have our favorite front-men (Jagger, Plant, Daultry, Tyler, etc) and they all have there own flamboyant mannerisms, but Bono simply crosses the line when he heaves his entire carcass all over the place like the music is Cumming (note the pun) out of his dick. Last night at the Grammys, Bono was convulsing all over the stage and thank god the cameraman cut to EDGE once in a while or else I would of turned the program off right from the get go. At least he could have played Pride or With or Without You… what a shame.

9) Rhianna and Chris brown incident

Who cares? All I know is that they both didn’t perform for some odd reason and I was thrilled.

8) Whitney Houston : To do crack or not to do crack?

The re-emergence of Whitney Houston was the “crack up” point of the evening. She stood front-stage, acting sober (note I said “acting”) rambling on and on about Al Green and what not, while attempting to control her crack twitches… however this proved to be unsuccessful. The producer’s couldn’t wait to heave her off the stage and even used their strategic “celebratory cut to commercial music” to scratch the speech short. Back to the streets you go.. gotta make that money ma’ine.

7) You know how I know you’re gay?

Wow! You Know How I Know You’re Gay?! Talk about a disaster. Chris Martin decides not to lip sing and do the show the correct way however he neglects to take into account the toll cigarette smoking does to your body. After five seconds of running around the stage, Martin could barely get a word out without gasping for air. Not only that, he invite Jay-Z to accompany him on stage, further proving my point of how shitty music has become. You can’t save music by throwing together tandems of successful musicians in various fields. The desperation is abhorrent..

6) Who are “The Beatles” anyway?

And best pop song of the year goes to…… Not Paul McCartney! Wow! Am I on crazy pills? Am I being punked? Where’s Ashton! Paul McCartney gets defeated by John Mayer for his number one song, “Say.” There must be no God for this to actually happen. I can’t even talk about it anymore… fuck my life.

5) Lil Weezy…. Fo sheezy

The New York Times labeled Lil Wayne as, “the bawdy and gifted New Orleans rapper,” after winning four awards Sunday night. Bawdy, yes, but gifted? Bill Gates is gifted. Doctors and Scientists are gifted. Lil Wayne is gifted? Did this reporter accidently inhale the chronic fumes exerting out of Lil Waynes lips as he unveiled the swagger all-star group, “The Rap Pack.” Dean Martin and Franky Boy would be turning in their graves if they ever heard themselves being compared to T.I., Lil Weezy and Jay-Z. Come on guys… the rap pack. Lets be a little more original. How about the Mick Swaggers?

4) Dave Grohl and Paul McCartney play one song

The greatest performance possibly in Grammy’s history, consisting of a duo of rock legends Dave Grohl and Paul McCartney gets scheduled for a one song set? And the argument simply cannot be made that their wasn’t enough time because Rhianna and Chris Brown’s performance was cancelled, issuing a block of at least one extra routine achievable. Not only do they stiff McCartney for best pop song of the year, but they rush him off the stage so that the Jonas Brothers get their chance to “Rock Out.” Again, I must be O.D.ing on crazy pills.

3) Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift

What possibly can I say? If you want to see two twelve year old girls singing on stage rent a Mary Kate and Ashley Olson DVD. Don’t waste my time.

2) Swagga All Stars aka The Rap Pack

As stated before, possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Comparable to Mumbai and Rwanda.

1) Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder

This one without doubt takes the cake. Here’s what I think of when I hear the name Stevie Wonder; legend, God, performer, composer, Motown Deity, pianist. Here’s what I think of when I hear the Jonas Brothers; gay, gay, gay, gay, Hanson Brothers Resurrected. Who’s stupid idea was this to compile a Rock & Roll legend with a bunch of rookies for the finale of the biggest music award show of the year? Does this academy have no soul? Is music really dead? It has to be, it just has to…..

Other notables.. Katy Perry's wouldn’t even waste a second writing about her

Well there was my revelation of this year’s SHammy Awards. It hurts me so much to say it but the thing I love most in life is finally on it's way out. As the Greats age, grow old and grey, so will their music… I leave this article with one last statement. Don McLean had it all wrong when he pronounced the death of Rock n’ Roll the day Valens, Holly and Bopper took the grave. The Grammy’s folks…. This was the day that music really died....